My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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