I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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