a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
