just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
