I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
