It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
