im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
