Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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