I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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