if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
