Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
