I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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