i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
