Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
