From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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