Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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