I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
