he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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