just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
