Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
