I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.