Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero