My room smells like vodka and shame
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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