there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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