I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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