first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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