He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
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Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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