Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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