Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
