He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
