It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Lo siento on account of my penis...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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