Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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