i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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