Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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