My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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