Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm passing your future prison.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
