You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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