90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
