i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
