i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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