I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
