when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think a kid would responsible me up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
