I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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