The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
