I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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