it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
