Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
