Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
