I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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