What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
