So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
