eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
