I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
