just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
