He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
