I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
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I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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