he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
