chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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