sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
